Being Human

Those are hard to admit to myself honestly.

Let alone say out loud for the world to hear. 

Because I have learned somewhere along the way that I shouldn’t want them.

That I can do without them.

But life has shown me, time and again, how those wants are very real.

And very human...

The ache isn’t from the wanting, or from not having... 

Yes, that hurts. Sometimes, a lot.  

But the pain of denying myself the permission to want, 

of closing my heart to protect from the disappointment when it doesn’t come.

That cuts deeper. 

For that denies the very part of me that makes me human. 

The part that wants to love and belong in this world...

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I was on my way back from school drop-off when I decided to play the song “More Love” by Sara Bareilles – one I’ve never heard before. Mid way through tears came rolling down, non-stop.

Open up my heart and break her

No gentle waters, no anchor

I'm barely brave enough to keep breathing

But I believe in love

There is enough

So ask for more, to fill you up

Nobody's keeping score

Do you know what you fight for?

What you fight for?

I want more

Hearing those words today felt like the final piece of what has been unfolding in the past few months falling into place, allowing my breath to flow freely again. By the time I reached home, I could feel my heart settling.

Life never fails to offer you the chance to learn the lessons you have yet to master, the wounds you have yet to heal, and the humanness in you that you have yet to accept…when you are ready to open your heart to receive them.

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For years, I have struggled to acknowledge these deep wanting because they often leave me feeling vulnerable. This last year, I have slowly been opening up to offering them to others, because I know how much it matters. And braving myself to learn to ask for them from a close few.

But encounters in the past few months have left me questioning myself for wanting too much, for being too much or too little for others, whenever I am not chosen. ‘Maybe I’m too intense, too melancholic, too deep, too serious, not fun to be around…’  The list goes on.

I resorted to judging myself for wanting.

I withdrew into my cave, a place that had protected me for years. I could feel my heart closing up, because I didn’t yet know how to soothe the pain.

One morning, as I was sitting with the pain, I drew the card, “Softening into grace” from my oracle deck. Earlier this year I had decided to meet this year with intention and grace. And the card felt like a reminder that it was grace I needed to offer to myself and to others.

It wasn’t the pain of not being met that hurt the most. It was the pain of choosing to question and judge myself for wanting more and what it meant – that I still believed that it isn’t something I deserve to ask for. I offered myself grace.

It wasn’t because I want too much, was too much or too little for them. Perhaps we just weren’t what each other needed in this moment. I offered them grace.

Later that day, I received two reminders from those who showed me how it feels like to be cared for, those who chose to see and value me for who I am. And I offered them grace…and my love too.

I began to slowly remind myself that I can have those wants. I can keep my heart open for those who can meet me with theirs.  

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Yesterday, my 11yo daughter made a comment that sounded very ‘ungrateful’. My immediate reaction was frustration. I resorted to going inward, staying silent, because I didn’t have a better response in the moment. While I sat with all the feelings that the comment stirred up, and all the thoughts about the right thing a mother should do, something became very clear to me. Wanting her to appreciate me and all I do and wanting her to show gratitude yet not receiving them – it hurts. Understanding that she may not see or know how to show that right now doesn’t mean it hurt less. To deny myself that feeling because of all the reasoning only adds another layer of pain to it. Because that is abandoning my own yearning. Instead, when I gave myself permission to acknowledge the hurt without assigning blame and judgement on myself or on her, I was able to respond differently.

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I recently read an article that spoke about the art of giving with no strings attached. I understand how that is possible. I can do so with strangers, clients, acquaintances, or others in need, fully without any conditions or expectations of anything in return. Yet when it comes to those closest to me, relationships that mean something to me, it is a lot harder to give without wanting. Because there is an attachment piece. I am not a spiritual teacher or an enlightened one who can practice the non-attachment approach to life with everything. After all, the power of attachment is a biological, survival need, one that is so primal to us – one that connects us to each other as humans.

To carry these wants feels, to me, just as much a part as being human – imperfect, vulnerable and real. And some days it leaves me with aches and pains. But I don’t think I want it any other way.

Open up my heart

Because I believe in love

There is enough

So ask for more, to fill you up

I want more…