My Dance with Anger

I grew up in a culture where women being submissive is the acceptable norm. Where women expressing their anger and frustration (or more often labeled as ‘losing her sh*t’) is frown upon, especially in the presence of others. Frankly, I can’t recall if I’ve ever seen my mom expressed her anger in front of us or anyone. But we know when she is, because we get the silent treatment. Growing up, I wasn’t sure if that was better or the explosive and verbal outbursts from my father. I guessed subconsciously I’ve learned that it was ‘safer’ to keep it in. Until it wasn’t…

Anger work, as some calls it in the healing industry, is something I’ve long tried to avoid, even though I knew that’s an area that I probably needed to look into at some point in my journey. Earlier last year, at an emotional release training retreat, I dreaded the day of working with anger. The exercise involved directing the energy from our anger towards a pillow, along with certain body movements and vocalization. Every part of that exercise felt foreign to me. I didn’t have the words for it then. I thought it was my avoidance, my resistance towards facing my repressed anger. I thought it’s something that I just needed to find the courage to go through. But what came out of that exercise for me wasn’t anger. Instead, it was grief…for my mother. I can probably rationalize it away and say that it’s because grief is much more accessible (and feels safer) than anger, especially for women. Which is partly true. Or because my body just wasn’t ready to face my repressed anger at that time. Which is also likely true. But since then, I’ve decided not to ‘make’ myself experience or release something when it didn’t feel right in my body.

As I continue to heal and peel away the layers since then, my body has been sending me signals to let me know that this part of me is finally ready to be met. My recent psoriasis flare-up (that I wrote about in my earlier post) was the latest nudge. I guess I can’t really work on boundaries without also taking a good look at the way I am experiencing and expressing (or not) my anger. And I knew that I can’t take others through their work with anger without first walking through my own.

But this time, I followed my instincts and found someone whom I could deeply resonate with to do the work. Many may not have heard of her, Dr. Keira Barr, because she isn’t everywhere on social media, which is unfortunate, because she is truly one of the most beautiful human beings I’ve come across in this healing space. I’ve never heard of a trauma-trained somatic psycho-dermatologist until I’ve heard her speak about it on the HealThySelf podcast with Dr. G while driving to see a Traditional Chinese Medicine doctor for my psoriasis (not a coincidence I think!). I followed my instincts and booked a call with her to find out more about the work she does. During that one call, where most medical professionals would probably give you at most 15 minutes of their time for a diagnosis, Dr. Keira offered me not just her time, but her safe and grounded presence and genuine care. I left feeling seen and understood, as a person (not just my skin condition) in a way that I have not felt for a long time, much less from a medical professional (unfortunately). I knew right away she was the right person for me to do this work with. I’m so thankful that I listened to my instincts.

In our first session yesterday, I felt something I haven’t been able to feel before with my anger – liberation! With Dr. Keira’s guidance, I came to experience that my ‘anger / rage doesn’t have to be tied to something bad’. By the end, I felt like a huge weight was lifted off my neck and shoulders. After that I decided to do something fun by attending a women networking event (that I wasn’t sure about attending) to support my friends and enjoyed my time just being me! Later, I returned home to spend a lovely time with my daughter before bed, reconnecting and repairing from our earlier rupture in the morning (when I allowed my frustration to get the better of me). This morning, I sensed the frustration coming back (after lack of sleep and appearance of hives on my skin again). I decided to cut myself some slack and enjoy a nice cup of coffee (I was trying to cut out caffeine to support my body). Then I put on some happy tunes and went for a morning jog to move the energy through. Midway through I felt the urge to do the breathing exercise that we did in our session (which I’ve previously been very reluctant to try). I followed that impulse and right after I burst out laughing from pure joy and silliness. When the song Sweet Caroline came up, I found myself singing the chorus out loud on the trail. None of these felt forced. Instead, it felt liberating to meet my body where it was at as I allow the emotions to flow through.

Here's what I’ve learned from this experience that I want to share in case it resonates with you:

• What I was really afraid of wasn’t my anger, but what I’ve learned to associate it with because of what I’ve experienced in the past. When I was able to experience expressing anger in the session without it being tied to something ‘bad’, I learned to witness it as one of the many emotions that I have, for being human.

• Underneath my repressed anger was fear. That if I allowed it to be expressed, I will become who I dreaded - my father - and I will be judged for it. So, I held it in, kept it contained, just like my mother, to stay safe. But my anger isn’t who I AM. It is what my body experienced when my boundaries were crossed. By trying to keep it contained, my body had to express it through my skin. When I finally allow my anger to be met, to be expressed, to move through in a way that also honors my need for safety, I no longer need to keep it contained.

• Anger, like other emotions, is just what it is – energy in motion. I understood this on an intellectual level before this, but now I also felt it in my body. When we suppress our anger, we will inadvertently also suppress our life force energy, our source of aliveness and even joy. On the other extreme, when we leave our anger/rage unchecked, it can also consume us and fuel deeper pain.

• We suffer when we want to contain our emotions, the ones we don’t like such as anger, fear and grief by repressing them, and the ones we like such as joy and excitement by holding on to them. When we learn to meet them as they come and allow them to move through, we can also learn to let go of our need to control them. Now instead of fearing my anger, I am learning how to witness it, move with it, and even play with it. As Dr. Keira puts it, that is ‘healing in motion’.

• Working with anger can look and feel very different for everyone. Find what works best for YOU (not what is trending), what allows you to meet your body wherever you’re at, not by force, but with compassion and curiosity. And this isn’t a static process but one that evolves along with you.

• Working with anger doesn’t have to be this loud, explosive, or full of rage expression, especially if it feels forced. Instead, it can be in the subtle shifts we experience when we meet our anger and offer it a safe channel to move through. You can first learn to do this by co-regulating with someone you feel safe and resonate with. When you’ve learned to build enough safety within, you will then be able to self-regulate when the feeling arises.

One of the biggest reasons this is important to me is because of my daughter. I used to channel my anger through kickboxing. I love doing it and I figure I’m also getting a workout in. When my daughter saw me doing it at our home gym, she told me that it felt too scary (too much) for her. Through our conversations, it hit me that she’s learned that expressing anger is scary, and often not well accepted (after having seen kids being punished for it by adults-in-charge in various settings). Because of that I’ve been intentionally reminding myself to model healthier expression of anger and respect for boundaries in our relationship at home. While I am still very much a work-in-progress, and I can’t undo what I’ve passed down to her before I knew better, I can continue to show her how I’m learning to relate to my anger in a healthier way each day. Because it is never too late…to stop the cycle.