Perfectly Imperfect

At the beginning of the year, one of the intentions I had was to learn something new for fun, something I haven’t done in a long time. Throughout this year, I tried a few things, but nothing really stood out for me. Last week, I picked up knitting needles for the first time. Not because I wanted to learn knitting, although I keep hearing about how the repetitive movement can be very regulating. It came out of nowhere (seemingly) while I was searching for ideas to create a meaningful handmade gift for a very special someone who is setting off for her own adventure. It may sound silly to many, but knitting taught me a few things - about myself, the support I have from my loves, and life lessons I have yet to fully master.

This is how it started… If I didn’t tell you, you wouldn’t have guessed that I was trying to knit a scarf, would you? Haha, I don’t blame you. Neither would I.

Lesson 1: Even with the best of intentions and with your heart in the right place, you will still hit bumps along the way

I did my research. I bought the easiest level of beginner kit that came with everything. Or so I thought. On the website, it says 8 hours to complete. I figured it doesn’t sound too hard and I had more than enough time (even with the shipping delay). Well, in the end it was more like 8 days. I was so excited when it came and got started right away. But it turned out to be way more complicated than I thought. I was struggling, making tons of mistakes. Uneven stitches, big holes and somehow along the way rows of 30 became 50 instead. And all I could focus on were my mistakes, row after row. I was so tensed, bracing myself so much that I ended up having a backache for the first two days. It was not the soothing relaxing thing everyone was talking about, for me. It was taking the joy away from the whole process. And I really didn’t want to make something out of frustration instead of love. I seriously contemplated giving up, many, many times.

Lesson 2: When you know your why, you can deal with any how 

I remembered this quote I love by Viktor Frankl. When I was struggling, I reminded myself why I was choosing to do this – my desire for a handmade gift for someone special. I also realized that my daughter was watching how I was handling this. What do I want to show her about overcoming obstacles? About dealing with the ‘hows’ because of our ‘whys’?

In that process, she also reminded me of what was truly important. What she saw wasn’t all my mistakes and imperfections. But her mom being thoughtful about making something from her heart with her hands. Her mom choosing to try something new, learn, make mistakes, keep going, and finding ways to solve her problems. She saw my perseverance. In the end, she picked up her own knitting kit and sat down to knit along with me.

Lesson 3: If you aren’t using the right tools, the process can be way harder than it needs to be

So, I kept going. I restarted over and over. After the 5^th time, I decided to just keep going in spite of the mistakes. It was taking shape, albeit a very weird, non-scarf looking shape (as shown on pic). But I didn’t want to restart again. So I tried to convince myself to roll with it. The problem was it wasn’t getting any easier. ‘What am I not getting? This shouldn’t be that hard’. That was all I could think of. My instinct told me something wasn’t right. There must be another way.

So after another day of struggling, I stopped and did my own research. I found out that the type of yarn I was using from the supposedly beginner kit (baby alpaca + merino wool) is not exactly the easiest to work with. On top of that, the knitting needles weren’t the recommended sizes for those yarns. It wasn’t that I sucked at knitting, but I was using the wrong tools! After getting new needles, I restarted all over again, for the 6^th time, and this time, it all clicked! It felt right. I was finally getting it. And enjoying it!

It reminded me of our healing journey, and how sometimes everything feels just so damn hard, harder than it should be. Maybe it is because we aren’t using the right tools to help us.

Lesson 4: Just because it worked a certain way for someone, doesn’t mean it will work the same for everyone

The kit came with an instruction booklet and some online tutorials. It was useful to some extent as a guide. But the learning experience is shaped entirely by me. For a start, the knitting needles given were too big for my hands, especially as a beginner. I was struggling to work with the soft yarn (on hindsight, the thick wooly yarn would have been easier to start with) and it was constantly slipping and causing me to make mistakes. The estimated time to complete of 8 hours felt totally impossible. And the photos of how it turned out for others made mine look like the dog just chewed on it. Had I allowed myself to compare against those benchmarks, I would have given up for sure. Thankfully the healed version of me have learned that it serves me no good to do so.

So, while we may use the ideas and success stories of others as inspirations or guides, using them as a measure of our own experience or progress does nothing but rob us from creating and learning our own.  

Lesson 5: What you create may be imperfect, and that is the beauty of the experience

As I look at the end result (scroll to see the last pic), which looked nothing like the website photos, I couldn’t help but feel proud of myself. Here I have a gift made out of love and joy of giving and creating, AND from worries, frustrations and resilience, all woven into this perfectly imperfect masterpiece that is beautifully unique. Because it is created by no one else but me. Much like my life.

As I look back at this entire week, there were many stressful, hair pulling moments, long nights and days of sitting, worrying about getting this done on time. And there were many special memories I will hold close to my heart – of my daughter cheering me on and beaming with pride seeing her mama unlock a new skill; of my husband staying up just to keep me company while I knit and helping me unravel the messy ball of tangle I made from unrolling my yarn (never again!) one strand at a time.

This learning experience reminded me that our life’s journey will be full of obstacles, distractions, learnings and mistakes. As well as triumphs, joy, love and surprises. Some within our control, some not so. There will be times when we want to and are able to start over (e.g. careers, relationships, friendships), and some that we can’t (like losing someone) and you learn to accept the holes it will leave behind. Sometimes you may try to mend them and it works; other times it will affect the next stitch (step) you make. Every stitch, every choice, guides the next, as it weaves together this one and only, perfectly imperfect tapestry of life.