Between Fear and Love

For so many years I've seen my fears as my weakness. Something I needed to conquer, to get rid of, and when that fails, to hide from. Then came the belief that the antidote to fear is more self-love. But I could never truly grasp this idea of self-love and how to find it.

Until I finally showed myself grace...

For holding on so tightly to fear to make sense of living in a world that seemed so scary, yet despising the grip it has on me. It was through grace that I found my way to bring fear and love together again to face this thing call life.

This is my love letter to Fear...

Fear, oh how I’ve misunderstood you so,

All these years, I saw you as my nemesis,

The one holding me back,

The one putting limits to what I can do,

To who I can be

Forgive me, that it took me so long,

To finally open my heart, to see you as you are,

Here to protect me,

To keep me safe before I knew how

You were here before me,

By mom’s side, her whole life,

And I know you will be here for my sweetie,

Just as you did, for me

What should I do with you, Fear?

I held on to you so tightly, yet never dared to let you show,

For so long you helped me make sense of the world,

And fit things neatly into little boxes,

With my thoughts, my judgements, my plans,

To manage, to survive, a world that felt so scary,

Forever standing guard, to not let me slip

 For so long, you have been running the show,

You couldn’t see any other way

I thought I could drown you with self-confidence, real or not,

But it never really last,

I thought I should smoother you with self-love,

That it was what you needed,

To show you that love can take over

Truth it, I didn’t really understand,

Until the day I showed you grace

Grace for holding me afloat for so long,

Even when it tired you so,

Grace for carrying on a thankless job,

Even when you were met with nothing but hate

Until I sat beside you, and held you with grace,

Long enough for you to know I see you,

Long enough to soften all your edges,

For you to feel safe again,

To let your guard down, even just a little

It was grace that you first needed,

Before you could let go,

It was grace that brought us all back,

To where love was waiting all along…