Come Home…as You Are

It was 6am when I opened my eyes this morning. I felt a sense of tightness in my chest. I can tell that I had a restless night with many dreams, but I couldn’t recall any of them. As I lay there in bed waiting for my alarm clock to go off, I decided to tune into my body. I gently rest one hand on my chest and the other on my belly, tuning in to my breathing. I knew something was coming up, although I didn’t have words for it. Then it was time to start the day.

But the feeling didn’t leave me. It was there while I was having breakfast. And it was still there as I was getting ready to take my daughter to school. The tightness moved to my belly and I felt this sense of ‘being sick to my stomach’ and wanting to throw up on the way to school. Even then, I found myself still debating whether to go for the kickboxing class I wanted to in the morning because I have skipped the entire week before and it would be a waste as I’ve already paid for the month. [In come the guilt and shame train]. As luck would have it, we were stuck in traffic and arrived at school later than usual, which meant I had to rush if I wanted to make it to my class. As I was driving off, contemplating whether to ignore all the signs my body (and possibly the universe) was showing me and just ‘power through’ like I would have in the past, I paused to ask my body what it needed. And the word ‘home’ came up. As I made my way back home, I felt my body softening.

But I could sense that there was something that wanted to move through in my body. So once I got home, I decided to do the one thing that always helps me on days like this - a light jog on my neighborhood trail with my fluffy companion. But today, rather than being with my thoughts, I felt the impulse to run with music, something I haven’t done in a long time. And worship songs came to mind (the last time I listened to them was before I became a mom more than 10 years ago).

Right at the start of the trail, the song ‘Broken Vessels (Amazing Grace)’ by Hillsong Worship began to play. Amazing Grace was the song we played at my mom’s funeral and until recently, the song has always brought a sense of sadness as I recall the memories linked to her passing. As I sang the song out loud, tears began streaming down my face. Before long I was bawling my eyes out on the trail. I didn’t try to stop it or make sense of what was happening. I just knew I needed to let it move through. This continued on, like a wave moving in and out, throughout my run until I reached home. When it ended, I felt like the weight was lifted off my body and a sense of ease returning. I could take a breath in without tightness in my chest. I could eat my lunch without the queasy feeling in my stomach.

Later as I settle down to process what I experienced, it became clear what was coming up for me today. The night before I was listening to a recorded live Q&A session on anxiety by Irene Lyon where she shared her experience of living her whole life in high level functional freeze as a result of early trauma. I knew that I had been operating the same way all my life until I started healing recently. ‘Cool as a cucumber’ as she described it, calm even during crisis and always having a poker face on. Those were the traits I used to take pride in because I thought they were my strengths, until I realized they were my ways of adapting, to maintain some form of control over the fear brewing underneath. Hearing what she shared triggered something in me, even though I didn’t know it at that time.

Grief was what came up again today. The grief of realizing how much of my life have been spent stuck in that state, of merely functioning to survive. The grief of all those years lost. The relationships, the memories, and the stories that took up such a big part of my life that I can’t do anything about now.

Grief visited me before when I first came out of the functional freeze state during my emotional release training, and it was scary. The immense grief I felt was so overwhelming that I wasn’t sure if it will ever end. While the experience of beginning to release the trauma stored in my body during those retreats were deeply healing, they also felt too intense at times. Truth be told, I felt lost for a while afterwards because I was feeling so much and didn’t know what to do. Many people see or hear about these healing experiences on social media and want to have that for themselves (just like I did), without really knowing that as much as it was healing, it was also only the beginning. The real work actually comes after.

True sustainable healing comes when we continue to choose how we show up and connect with our body every day. It is in how we show compassion to ourselves with whatever that may come to surface, layer by layer, without judgement or needing to make meaning (because the ego loves that!). Lasting healing comes when we allow our body to experience what it means to be heard, to be held, to be respected, trusted, and tended to with love and compassion. True healing comes when we are able to show our body that it is safe again to be just as we are.

I’m thankful that today I chose to show up for my body. Rather than overriding its messages with the control of my mind that wants to fall back into my previous pattern, I was able to stop and listen. And in doing so, my body showed me what needed to be felt and expressed so that I could return to regulation. In tuning in, my body showed me that I am safe and I no longer need to stay stuck in my survival state anymore. And most of all, I no longer need to let fear, shame and guilt run the show.

Something else that I’ve always wondered about also became clear to me. In the past, whenever I’m worshipping at a church, I always find myself in tears. I just chalk it up as being touched by the words of the worship songs. I used to hide it because I didn’t want to be seen always crying in church (hello good ol’ shame!). I remember watching the church scene in the Netflix series ‘Beef’ where the main guy broke down in the church and feeling so understood and seen. Someone else knows what it feels like (even if it was not in real life)! Today it finally made sense! It was my deep yearning for unconditional love, from a place where I know I am welcomed and loved, where I can come just as I am. A safe place I call home – in my heart where the God I know and love lives. The idea of fearing God has never resonated with me. It was never about his power and authority for me. But His love and grace that I know and trust deeply. No matter what state I am in, what I have done, or who I am, I know in my heart that He will welcome me home, just as I am. That was what my body was trying to show me with those tears. The words in Amazing Grace now holds an even deeper meaning for me.

“Amazing grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me

I once was lost, but now I’m found, was blind but now I see

‘twas grace that taught my heart to fear, and grace my fears relieved

How precious did that grace appear, the hour I first believed

Through many dangers, toils and snares, we have already gone

‘twas grace that brought us safe thus far, and grace will lead us home.

I came home today. To my body and to my heart, in many ways. And in writing this, I made a promise to choose to come home again and again from here on. I know I cannot change those years that have gone by, but I can choose to learn and grow from them for the days to come. So can you…

A quote by Deb Dana that I love sums up what befriending my nervous system truly means to me…

“…[it] is the science of feeling safe enough to fall in love with life and take the risks of living.”