Holding Me Safely

I woke up today with a sharp pain in my mid back. My first instinct was to figure out why it was there. “Did I sleep funky last night? Was it the workout I did? What else did I do yesterday?” A host of questions went through my mind, as I fell into my default mode of figuring things out…so that I can FIX it. I caught myself doing it. I could sense the fear, one I’m familiar with, rising through my body, along with all the stories of what this could mean.

I paused, and the words I would share with my clients when they experience discomfort in their body came back to me. I quieted down, rested the weight of my body on the bed, and began connecting to my breath and my body. Bringing my awareness to where there was pain and where there was ease, noticing how both were co-existing within me. Slowly, my body began to relax.

I noticed the pain was still there and turned to share it with my husband. He started gently massaging my back to help me move what he believed was muscle tension. I leaned into his supportive touch, finding comfort and safety in his love and care, even if it did little to remove the pain. Then I got onto the floor and started gently moving my body in a way that felt good and nurturing. Gently swaying, contracting and expanding to slowly move the parts that felt stuck. Then it was time to start my day.

While I was preparing breakfast and packing lunches, I continued to tune in to what my body needed from me. The idea of going out for a walk felt good. So, after everyone left for the morning, I took my dog and went for a quiet walk in the neighborhood before sessions with clients. I could sense my body beginning to soften. The walk gradually moved into a slow jog, at a pace that felt energizing. I felt like my body was slowly moving out of the state of ‘stuck-ness’. By the end of it, my body felt lighter.

As I was allowing myself space to process the experience throughout the day, the emotions (that I’m used to labelling as ‘not-so-positive’) of jealousy, frustration, and resentment that I tried to shove down came back. I knew it was brewing the night before after some conversations I had, but I defaulted to my old pattern of pushing it down, while pushing everyone away with arguments and cold shoulders. Because it felt 'wrong', 'bad', to feel them. A part of me knew what was going on and wanted to tend to it, but the other part that was judging me for having those feelings, was louder…and it won, then.  

Once I acknowledged what my body was trying to show me and gave space for the emotions to just be there, I noticed my body gradually begin to soften as the day progresses, and the pain on my back no longer bothered me. Slowly, a sense of ease returned, in my body and my mind. I could feel my heart beginning to open back up again. As I shared this with my husband, I also began to realize my view of the situation changed. It led me to choices that felt aligned, and in turn an experience of love and gratitude.

This is why I choose to do the work I do. Not so that I won’t feel discomfort or pain again. Or so I can feel positive, good or calm all the time, figure things out and solve all my problems. Not at all. It is so that I could embrace an experience like this – to know deeply that I have the capacity within me, to move through the ebbs and flow of life. To have faith in surrendering to this trust that I am able to safely hold myself and also lean into others who can safely hold me, to meet life as it is, and what it has to offer…rather than allow fear to keep me stuck.