The Yearn for Safety and Connection

You’ve probably come across videos on social media of people screaming, wailing, punching, laughing, dancing, embracing, or cathartic releases in some form or another while attending healing sessions or retreats. About a year ago, when I first came across those videos, there was a part of me that was triggered and immediately ruled them out as being ‘dramatic’, ‘unnecessary’, ‘traumatizing’ etc etc. But there was also a part of me that was curious, about how that would feel, to be doing all that - what would be deemed as socially undesirable behaviors in ‘my world’ - without reservation and judgement, from myself and others around me. In this rare instance, I allowed that curious part of me to lead me down the rabbit hole of learning more about emotional release and healing, and eventually attended those retreats and experienced them myself.

What did I learn? I learned that my deepest longing was to feel safe and to be held by others. And that was an important piece that was missing in my healing journey.

Deb Dana described this perfectly in ‘Anchored’ – that our lifelong quest is not simply to feel safe in our bodies, in our environments, and in our relationships with others, but to feel safe in the arms of another.

Before this, I never fully understood what that meant – the felt sense of safety, whether it was safety in my body or safety with others. I had my share of challenges growing up, as most of us do in this day and age, but I didn’t really experience any traumatic abuse as a child. I had a stay-at-home mother who nurtured us the best she knew how with what she had, mostly on her own, because the support from my father was non-existent or unreliable. So, I figured I don’t really have a reason to not feel safe.

But the felt sense of safety goes far beyond just physical safety. It involves the sense of feeling safe to simply exist…to just be.  

“We are born needing to be welcomed by another human being and this essential need lasts for a lifetime” (Deb Dana). I wasn’t…because I was born a girl, where in our culture, it was (and still is to a large extent) considered ‘less-than’. My father didn’t bother to visit me at the hospital when I was born. According to my mom, he just called the hospital to find out the gender (back when we only find out at birth) and that was it. I was also very petite and not as good looking as my younger sister. From then on, I spent my whole life trying to make up for my ‘shortcomings’ – by being independent, reliable, capable, and successful – to give my parents a reason to be proud of me. Eventually, I’ve forgotten how to be me without all these labels attached to my identity.

As social beings, we also have the need to feel safe and connected with others. While my mom was always there to care for us, she experienced her own challenges. Growing up with a father with very conventional Chinese upbringing, then losing her mother at 18 and taking on the responsibility of mothering her younger siblings, I suspect her experience of safety and connection was also disrupted. The continuous stress created by being married to my father, which later resulted in having to give up her only support system, contributed further to her trauma and isolation. All these had no doubt influenced the way she raised us, one way or another.

But it wasn’t enough to understand all these psychologically. I understood how I was functioning in survival mode, driven by fear and viewing the world as unsafe. I understood why I grew up thinking I wasn’t good enough. And I’ve learned how to challenge these beliefs and thought patterns to help myself out of it (kinda).

It was not until I could fully experience and embody the sense of safety from within, in the presence of another, that I could understand deeply what it means to feel safe at home again with myself, just as I am. That was a crucial moment in my healing journey.

In the first retreat, while a fellow student was practicing emotional release techniques on me, I realized I didn’t feel safe with her and what felt like chaotic releases that were going around in the room. At first, my usual pattern of trying to be ‘kind and accommodating’ kicked in and I held it in. As the session progressed, I could feel myself being triggered more and more, until I finally acknowledged out loud that I didn’t feel safe being there. And with that permission I gave myself to speak my truth, I experienced a surge of energy through my body that I’ve never felt before, followed by a loud scream that came from deep within. After that, I collapsed into the arms of other experienced practitioners who held me as I wept like a child like I have never before.

So, was it the cathartic release of stored trauma in the presence of another that helped me heal? Yes and no. Although I did scream, cry, dance, laugh, hug and all that. That was the part of me that was able to let go and gave myself permission to fully embody what I was feeling. It was no doubt liberating. But that wasn’t what helped me.

Rather it was the permission I gave myself to acknowledge out loud what I felt inside (something I didn’t get to do growing up), the letting go of needing to hold it together and keep it in, and having others hold a safe space for me to allow all that to come to surface and be witnessed, without judgement and expectations, from myself and from those around me. For the first time, I didn’t have to (or try to) explain myself or put into words what happened. I didn’t try to process this experience, as I normally would, mentally. Instead, I allowed myself to fully embrace the felt sense of safety in my body, in my environment, and in connection to others. That was the medicine I needed.

3 months later, in subsequent emotional healing sessions during my Spinal Flow training, I noticed the change in me. Even with what seemed like intense cathartic releases happening around me in the room, this time I felt truly grounded and safe. I felt present and at peace as I hold space for myself and others in the room as we all go through our own emotional healing processes.

So, is it truly necessary to have all those cathartic releases to heal? Yes and no, because it depends on what it is that you and your body needs. But can it help? Yes, if it is experienced in the presence of another holding a safe space for you without any agenda, expectation or judgement. And when it is followed by an integration process to help you feel safe and whole again, from within.

What’s the point of my sharing this? It took me awhile, but I eventually realized (and acknowledged) that we cannot heal alone. For the most part of my journey, I have always tried to figure things out on my own. But to yearn to be part of a community is to be human. It is our human nature to want to connect with others in order to not only survive but thrive in life, even when we tell ourselves stories of why we don’t need anyone. I was telling myself that partly to cope with the feeling of not belonging anywhere. Truth is, because I didn’t feel safe and was disconnected with myself, I struggled to make true connections outside. Whether it is through our close relationships, relationships with facilitators, therapists, nutritionists or care team, or other travelers we meet along the way, meaningful, loving and supportive relationships can be healing, when we allow them to be part of our journey. I am where I am today because of the people in my life that have offered me that sense of safety and connection.

That is what I hope to offer others that may cross my path, whether it is through my practice or this channel – a place for true connection and safety, so that we can then reach inward, connect to our own experience and safety from within.

You can find out more about how you can work with me on my website, www.lovinguswhole.com